June 17, 2022 Thoughts

I’ve got a lot of feelings today –

Lots of emptiness and loss. Loss for the relationship that ended in the show I binged the past few days while I was sick. Emptiness for not having a community like all of the characters did in that same show, not here, not anywhere. Loss for the guy back at home that I still really like, but I’m pretty sure he has a girlfriend now and I’m still very far away. Emptiness for being in a busy hostel but not talking to anybody, by choice, because I have been sick and need to recharge, but still, that is hard for me to be okay with. Loss for accepting that I’m not even attempting the third and final mountain that I wanted to do while in East Africa on this trip, falling short of my goal but knowing it’s best for both my wallet and my body.

Today I want to go home. But going home means having to get a job first, then buying a car, finding a place to live, acquiring furniture, etc., and I just can’t quite do that yet. So I continue to stay very far away. I made a commitment to myself that I deserved this, this trip and this freedom, at least through the summer, yet here I am while it is still technically spring, and I want it to be over already. I’m sure this roller coaster will rise and dip several times over the next few months, or however long I keep this up for. And I just have to ride it out.